Let me tell you about addiction, or to be more specific, the fine line between it and escapism that is walked far too frequently in my opinion. It pains me to say this, and I know for a fact that it will cause me much grief in the short-term, but I have been thinking about what I should do for some time now, and although it is far from perfect as far as plans go, I think it is the best one I can hope to act upon here. I can’t emphasize enough when I say I apologize in advance! With all of the formalities out of the way, let’s dive right into this, shall we?
I am not good with words, so I will put this quite bluntly, my life is fucking awful at the moment, and although it has taken me quite some time to actually accept this fact, I have accepted it nonetheless. I can’t really blame anyone but myself for this, despite how much I would love to have something that I could point a finger at, I feel like doing so wouldn’t really help anything.
Back when I was still not aware of MSPA, I was an entirely different person, I was almost certainly an optimist, I tried my hardest to make everybody happy, but alas, this goal was doomed by its very nature. I thought of myself as a smart person, but I was very insufferable when it came to social interactions and ethics, by trying to make everyone happy, I was just driving them away, and I was always feeling very sad, and rejected by my peers. Then I discovered the forums, and although it was a slow process, I eventually realized how alienating I truly was! For a while after this realization, I was truly happy both psychologically and socially for once in my life, and it was a truly amazing experience, despite how short it ultimately was in the grand scheme of things.
Eventually however, things in the real world spiralled downwards. My mother announced she was going back to South Korea to teach ESL for another year after staying in Canada for 4 months rather contently, and my father was having concerns about his relationship that would be slow burning start to the long, violent end of his current relationship at the time, and suddenly the short period of tranquility in my life decided to fall part like a house of cards. In hindsight, I started to grow truly paranoid about maintaining my happy online life on the forums at about this time, and forgot why I was finally being accepted and welcomed by the community in the first place, and became what I know recognize as a yes-man.
Looking back, this is quite ironic in a certain sense of the word, by just nodding my head and trying to make everybody happy and agree with me, I have become an overly pessimistic version of what I originally was, only without the one good thing about the younger me’s personality, the cheerful optimistic outlook! I cringed just the slightest bit when I made that connection writing this post.
I should probably get to what is really important though, I have been dancing around the issue for quite some time now, and I don’t think there is anything else that really needs explaining about this decision I am making. So, to put it simply, I am leaving this little community we have made and abandoning the piester identity, for lack of a better word, this was all very good for a while, but it has taken hold of my life like a ball and chain around my ankles, and it has lost all of the appeal it once had in bountiful amounts. Please don’t take this the wrong way! I was never trying to say the problem was with anybody in particular here, hell, it’s gonna be quite difficult for me to move on because of how great some of you people are.
I’ll let those of you whom I’m truly close friends with know about what I am gonna do next, and you can certainly join in and still be friends with me! But I warn you, I will almost certainly be trying to get back to how I was when I truly enjoyed these forums, or maybe I’ll be completely different, I can’t say at the moment, but one thing is given at this point, I will be a much different person then I am right now, I am tired of being a dumb parrot, going about my day bobbing my head vertically and mimicking other people to fit in, it accomplishing nothing but new frontiers in weighing down on me psychologically.
If I lose contact with you, and I really hope I don’t, I’m just going to say keep on rocking, and to all the #crocmom-ers, keep on doing your own crazy thing, you’ve gone too far to stop now, you’re like a derailed train that is also a bachelor party!